Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Snakes and (corporate) ladders

“Reverend Jim, so good of you to see me today! I’ve been looking forward to meeting you and giving you a close look at what I’ve got. Your rectory is beautiful, by the way; did you decorate it yourself, or was it your wife?

Coffee is fine, thank you. Just give me a minute to set up my case, and we can get started. I’m simply thrilled to have the opportunity to present to the largest organization of your type in the state. I can’t tell you how much it means to our entire company that you agreed to give us a chance to help supply you with all your needs.

OK, all settled in? Great, let’s begin, shall we? First, please note that all our specimens receive the finest of care and conditioning, and should you ever be dissatisfied, for any reason, with any of our products, we will happily provide a replacement from a comparable line as soon as practicable.

Right, so here we have our first option. As you can see, this is one of the American Southwest’s finest. Please examine the exquisitely detailed back markings. Ahhhh, yes, listen to that! Such a distinctive warning sound! Imagine that echoing through your church on a Sunday morning!

But, perhaps you’d like something a little more exotic, eh? Well then, take a gander at this little beauty right here. She’s a bit shy, likes to keep under that rock there, but trust me, she’ll come around. Let me just get her with this stick… there!  Will you just look at those colors? The inky black, the vibrant yellow, the radiant red! I’ll tell you one thing: this baby would look great on camera. We also have the ‘scarlet king’ variety, for lesser cost. Well, I mean, not for you, of course! But perhaps for one of your younger pastors? You, know, kind of a training model? Just remember, ‘red touch yellow, you’re in trouble fellow..’

Anyway, as you can see, we have many other choices: there’s this copperhead here, the moccasin over there. In those cages I’ve set by the window are the various types of viper; very biblical. While I’m out of display models, we do also carry the ‘African two-step,’ and for that ‘Asian feel’ many krait varieties, as well as the aptly-named ‘Death Adder.’

Reverend, no! Apologies, but I must ask that you not touch the sheet over the cage by the door. That contains the King Cobra; I have an appointment this afternoon with a fakir down the road. Besides, just between you and me, those models spit.

Thank you Reverend. You are most kind. I am, in fact, the highest-grossing salesman for our company east of the Mississippi. I like to joke with my customers that I’m as Charismatic as they are! 

Please, take my card, and if I can ever be of service to you do not hesitate to contact me. Our warehouse will begin fulfillment of your order immediately. And again, thank you for being a valued customer of ‘Nice Asp, LLC.’”


  1. Great sales pitch - not allowing the other guy a moment to get a word in. I wasn't quite clear why the snakes were needed. Vermin control?

  2. This was a lot of fun. I am assuming it's one of those pentecostal churches that uses snakes in their services? Creepy!